We all have that one friend.
The one whom we love dearly—and who really does love us—but who also takes that “love” just a little too far. This can be particularly difficult when your friend is another writer who is more than comfortable with giving constructive feedback. Sure the friend means well, but there’s a big difference between being cruelly honest and speaking life-giving truth.
When friends or family use their position of closeness to speak “the painful truth” it can crush our creative spirit and send our confidence as writers spiraling into the belly of Mount Doom.
I had one such experience a few years back. I’d just come out of a long season in which I hadn’t written a thing. In fact, during that time, I’d toyed with the idea of just being done period. My friend encouraged me to keep trying. In time, I was assured, I’d find my stride again.
Then came the day I had a breakthrough. I was so excited about this new idea that I couldn’t wait to get home and put it to paper. I chatted with a co-worker about it. I hashed out a few hook ideas with my mom over the phone while driving home. (Yes, I was responsible and had both hands on the wheel and both eyes on the road.)
While checking out at Costco I even had a brief and unexpected conversation about the idea with the cashier. As an extreme introvert, that’s a big deal for me. Needless to say, I was thrilled when the cashier told me to come find him when the book was published, because it was a story he wanted to read.
I arrived home excited and ready to dive in, but first I wanted to share my happy news with my friend. After all, she had been encouraging me as I trudged through the desert. Why wouldn’t I tell her the end of my dry season was in sight?
Unfortunately the response wasn’t the one I hoped for or expected. Though my friend was well intentioned, the automatic critique that followed left a horrible sting. I stumbled straight back into the wasteland feeling worse than ever. It would take another six months and the nurturing encouragement of another writer friend to coax me to set foot outside of the sunless cave I’d crawled into to hide.
Maybe you have a friend like that. Heaven forbid, you’re that friend!
First: Evaluate the response! If overly critical behavior follows a pattern, perhaps you don’t have the friendship you thought you did. Don’t be afraid to cut ties with someone who builds you up one minute and tears you down the next. You (and your writing) don’t deserve that.
Second: Talk it out! Chances are it was a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication. If you really are good friends, your relationship should be able to weather a bit of choppy water. I made the mistake of not addressing the hurt until later on and the resulting strain on the relationship took some time to mend. But it did mend.
Third: Find your tribe! Writers all share the bond of common experience, but a writer focusing on non-fiction might not be the right person to share your high fantasy with. It took me a while, but I’ve finally found a group of writers who share my passion for YA fiction, fantasy, and all things nerdy.
Fourth: Have a little faith in yourself! You have a story to write that’s all your own. No one can write it for you. When the time comes to share it with others, don’t expect that everyone is going to get it (or love it).
And finally, Know this: Somewhere out there is a reader who is waiting to hear what you have to share. Never forget that.
Add a few drops of your own:
What encouraging suggestions would you offer a fellow writer who is struggling with doubt because of the hurtful words of another? Share your words of refreshment in the comment section below.